Tuesday, July 3, 2012

internal processor

this is more for me because i need a quick write and my mind is spinning, but also for whoever actually reads this and knows me to some extent.
Just some things that are rolling through my mind right now. Today I guess was a really stressful day or something, because tonight as I was alone driving to Carmel, getting lost and hitting a breaking point to where I was feeling so overwhelmed/frustrated that I kept missing my turns and that traffic was bad, I found myself in tears. It was at that point that I was reminded of how glad I was to be going to Bible study because I'm Jesus deficient right now, even though I'm working at a camp that is all about Jesus. I also was reminded how I need my alone time and apparently I'd hit that point where I needed it bad, so also not completely pumped to be going to hang out with lots of people. I love my team, don't get me wrong at all, but I haven't had a lot of decompression time and the kids this week, even though they are smaller numbers, can be hard to handle. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.
Another thing, I know God loves me and I know that I'll never be able to comprehend it, but sometimes I forget or something. We read Luke 15:1-10 tonight and there's so much in there. Lost people, giving 100%, a loving God, found people. A lot of the time I think, I'm not living in that joy of knowing that I am loved no matter what and I am saved by grace and should be excited to share that with others. I think a lot of the time I get caught up in myself or distractions or worry about what others will think or that I'm not good enough, but I pray that I won't forget my value in God and I will be filled with a sense of urgency to go out and find those people who need God. Also, I'm not a huge expresser of emotion so even if I am really excited or something, I am not always good at effectively displaying it. I think another thing is that I'm not much of a sayer, I listen and am more to myself processing as opposed to hashing it out with others. Sometimes I'm down with that, but I'm horrible at articulating what I'm thinking so mostly I just sit and people look at me and I feel awkward never talking, but I don't know what to say or how to say it or someone else says what I was thinking so I'm like...yeahhh. Sigh, it's just frustrating to me and it's probably frustrating to other people that I'm not a talker, because I feel like that's the only way to get to know people more and I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life well enough for them to really know me and I hate it. I don't want to dwell on this too long because I know again, God has a plan and a purpose for my life being how it is. There's a lot more I'm thinking about, but I need to get to sleep soon so I'm not crabby, I think that was part of it too tonight; I was tired and hot and that makes me crabby and easily frustrated. But again, so much of tonight has got me thinking about seeking the lost, applying myself to helping others find God, being reminded of God's great love for me, trying to figure out how I can be found by God, getting uncomfortable for Jesus...boy oh boy.
Just give me more Jesus.
1. Mentioned earlier, for a constant reminder of who I am in Christ, loved, valued, worth it...be content with who/how I am.
2. That I will be filled with excitement and urgency for sharing the good news of God with others.
3. Help me to be able to share more with other people and make those deeper connections with teammates and even our campers this week too since it is a smaller week.
4. Patience.
5. Quality alone time. Hey just remembered tomorrow is solo time in the morning..although I was semi-excited for another small morning meeting...
I think that's it and I hope this makes some sense, even in writing sometimes I can't articulate my thoughts very well. Sigh. It's all good. Thanks for reading.

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