Tuesday, August 28, 2012

like tumbleweed

I feel a bit like tumbleweed.
Can't settle, always moving.
Changing, gathering, growing.

Well this was going to be just a poem, but I'm not really feeling the poetry wave right now, so I'm just gonna write some. So yeah. Tumbleweed. My life. I'm back in Waco and while I am enjoying it, I feel out of place. I don't really get it. I mean, maybe it's the whole being gone a semester when so much happened and so many people I loved transitioned out of college so I feel a bit like a newbie even though clearly I'm not. I wasn't in contact as easily and even when I was back in the States for the summer, I still didn't have Texas contact very much. But let's be real, I know Baylor. But I feel like everything I don't anymore. This is one of those moments where I'm like oh yeah, well God's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow so shoot, even though I feel like I'm just floating around in all the weird feelings, I've still got God who's always been the same whether I'm in Scotland, having the greatest summer of my life, or back in the Wack. I can hold onto Him and trust Him to bring me foundation. Consistency? I'm not really sure; all I know is that I'm a mix of all sorts of feelings about anything and everything going on in my life right now, so ask me how I'm feeling and anything could really go. Because I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm wishful.
So much has happened in myself since I was last in Waco and so much has happened in Waco since I was here too. It's like I've grown, and now my clothes don't fit? Is that a weird metaphor? Maybe, but it kind of works. Like the things I'm used to are still here, they're just not the same. I'm kind of tired of change. I thrive on sameness, routine, whatever you want to call it. So the fact that I feel uprooted is hard. Being back in the States after Scotland is hard. Being back in Waco after an amazing summer is hard. But I'll get back into the swing of things eventually, I can only pray. I've gotten used to always meeting new people and being in new situations for the longest time; I feel like that's all my life is and while it's got its pluses [shout out Scottish/study abroad friends, SpringHill buds!], I'm stuck in a rut of missing it all when I'm back to what I called my second home, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm trying to live in the now, but it's hard when I'm not comfortable with it all yet again and everything I held so close is so many miles away. What is this? I sound so weird right now. I don't even know if that's really what it is...it just kinda came out like that? But I'm too lazy to try to think of a better way to describe it.
Well, if there's one thing I'm missing that isn't a person or whatever, it's definitely the UK/European educational system. I've got to go do a bunch of homework and study for a big quiz...and wake my napping roommate. Ha.

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