Saturday, May 21, 2011

i don't understand.

There are many things in life that I don't understand. Is it bad that often times I don't understand myself? People always say you know yourself the best or whatever. I could be wrong, but there's so much about myself I'd love to have answers to. Alas, there will most likely never be an answer and by the time I get to Heaven, it will be irrelevant because I'll just be praising Jesus and all that jazz. So why does it bother me so much now to not have answers to things I'm almost 100% sure I won't ever have answers to? God put these things in my life and I will make it through. I don't have to know why; I just have to trust that God's got it under control. Because He really does. That's one of those things that I don't get either. Like I know in my head that He's all-powerful, loves me unconditionally, is always there for me, and has a plan for my life. But my heart can't seem to always connect to that. Why? Why do I feel like no matter how hard I try I'm still going to be stuck in the same old spot I feel like I've lived my whole life? Why can't something big happen and change my life for the good forever? Why can't I be satisfied with the way I am? Why is it that I can't hold onto that spiritual high? Why can others? How do I get like them? Why is it so hard? Who can I trust? Who can't I trust? Why does that matter so much? Why does anything matter so much? Bahh. I could go on. But I'm already feeling bogged down with unansweredness and I'd rather not sit here too long or I will mull over this stuff for hours and I honestly don't want that when all that started this was one little thing that lasted like a minute. No big deal. So there's no need for me to make it into more or try to find answers when God's the only one with answers. He's got my back.
Plus the world's supposed to end in like 12 min. But it was also supposedly ending at 6 earlier this evening. Clearly, we're all still here. and that's a whole nother concept that boggles my mind. God's the only one who's going to know and it really shouldn't matter. Live each day like it's your last. Ha. Soo much easier said than done. If it truly were my last I wouldn't want to be sitting at home all day reading and watching Hulu or whatever I end up spending my days doing lately. I'd want to buy a plane ticket and travel to unsearched places. Meet more people. And not be ashamed of who I am in Christ. Sharing and praising God everywhere I go, you know. That and I'd like to climb the Appalachian Trail and buy a puppy.

1 comment:

  1. hey so because of your blogging (and/or lack there of...) i've been motivated to start my own...
    i figured i've got nothing else better to do, and i'd use one of your questions to start off my blog...
    with a little something you, katie, and andrea don't know about me.

    the blog post i'm about to write may not be up for very long, so read it asap (ill send you guys a message with the link once i write it) so read it quickly before this one specific post is gon from cyber space for forever.
    mkay good bye :)